Lotteries Are Stupid
by TakemylovedowntoVioletHill
Summary: Wilson tells House that he isn't over Cuddy, so in retaliation House presents Thirteen with a deal to help him prove his friend wrong.
1. The Deal

House crunched another potato chip in his mouth, staring at the happy couple in the room, chattering away as if the world were all sunshine and roses. Then he turned his head and looked back at Thirteen, who was walking away. She had a strong walk, purposeful; he had realized that over the course of her working with him.

Arlene Cuddy had given up the lawsuit and his ex-girlfriend was hiding somewhere in her office. He set the bag of chips down on the desk, making sure to spill some crumbs on the floor so he could cast a knowing look at the janitor. "Sorry 'bout that," he said.

"What's your problem man?" the janitor asked.

House frowned, and then shrugged. "I'm an addict." He said, grabbing his cane and heading the direction Thirteen had stalked off to. He passed Taub who seemed to be having a heated discussion on the phone, bothering only to cast a sideways glance riddled with sarcasm.

She was holed up in the diagnostics room, flipping through a copy of _Practical Diagnostics_ idly, looking bored. "Fourteen." He said, she looked up, her eyebrow raised.

"Come to question me a bit more on my views on life?" she asked. House rolled his eyes, pulling a chair closer to him so he could sit down.

"Hardly, I have moved on to greater things in my life, things that still don't need a training bra." He replied. She shot him a venomous look that he promptly discarded into the not caring portion of his conscience. "Wilson still thinks I love Cuddy." He stated.

"You do," Thirteen replied as if it were the simplest problem in the world. "Why would you go through such lengths to sabotage her?"

"Because I'm an ass." House interrupted.

"Yes, but even you know when to draw the line," she said, turning the page of the book. "You seem to be running wild with your juvenile pranks and head games. It's almost like watching a second grader flirt."

House set his lips firmly into a line, exhaling a frustrated breath. "You have any plans tonight?" he asked. She looked up, wary.

"…Yes…" she said, as if that was the right answer.

"Wrong. Be over at my place at eight." He returned, standing.

"But-,"

"I'm making pasta." He offered as if that helped the situation along, and then turned and walked out the door, leaving Thirteen alone.

Taub had long finished his conversation with his ex-wife and had been leaning against the wall in the hallway, watching the exchange curiously. He wasn't entirely sure what was going on, but by the startled look in his coworker's eyes, his boss had just dropped something big.

He avoided his gaze as House limped by, then scurried into the Diagnostics room, hurriedly taking a seat. "What did he say?" he asked, interested.

"I'm having dinner at his place tonight." She said, her eyes still wide.

Taub snorted. "You're lying, what did he really want?" he asked. She turned to him, now her expression one of annoyance.

"I'm eating pasta at his place at eight. I don't even know what happened." She said. "He came in and started talking about Wilson and how he thinks that House is still in love with Cuddy. I told him that's exactly right and then he told me that I was to show up at his house at eight."

The doctor felt his jaw open in astonishment. "You don't think he's serious do you?" he asked.

Thirteen shrugged, unsure. "I think that he's trying to prove to Wilson that he no longer has feelings for Cuddy by asking me out. I don't think it will work and ultimately it will backfire on him. I also think he knew that you were watching us talk and that he could count on you to spread the news around the hospital, guaranteeing that it will reach Cuddy _or_ Wilson without him having to say a word." She stated.

Taub had the decency to look ashamed at the spying. "Well I wouldn't tell anyone of course…" his voice trailed off as he looked back up at her. "Just let me tell Chase." He said. She sighed and waved her hand in a flippant gesture, standing to get her coat.

"I don't care who you tell, I know what the reasoning behind this is." She sighed. "Tell everyone you meet, if it reaches Cuddy and Wilson then you know that he's accomplished his goal. Do you really want to enable House?" she asked him, shooting him a knowing glance.

"Good point," Taub sighed. "Tell me how dinner is."

"Oh I'm sure you'll know long before I tell you if House really is trying to get a rise out of those two. I'm sure there'll be rumors of sexually explicit acts flying around here in no time." Thirteen said wearily, gathering her briefcase. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, see ya." He murmured, watching her head for the locker room to collect the rest of her things.

Thirteen headed towards the elevator, her coat in her hand. She pressed the button and began waiting, looking around her for any signs of House, but she saw none; he must've gone home already.

"Hey!" she turned to see Wilson running towards her.

"Great." She muttered. "What Wilson?" she asked the man.

"Is it true that you're going out with House?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Good God you all sound like a bunch of middle schoolers! No I'm not 'going out' with House, I was invited to dinner by him." She snapped, side stepping into the elevator.

"But House told me-,"

"And you believed him?" she said.

"Good point, have a good night." Wilson replied, looking considerably more at ease as the elevator doors shut. She closed her eyes and leaned against the walls as the elevator began to descend.

House opened the door to his apartment and made his way into the kitchen, leaning heavily on his cane. Reaching below the sink he pulled out a pot and filled it with water and put it on to boil. While he did this the phone rang.

"Hello you've reached Dr. House, if your name is Wilson I don't care about what you have to say _BEEP_." He spoke into the receiver.

"House? It's Taub." The voice said.

"Wonderful, did I neglect to mention that I also don't care about what you have to say?" House retorted, getting out sauce from his pantry.

"What the hell are you doing with Thirteen?"

"Eating… maybe I'll get lucky too. One never knows." He told the doctor on the other end.

"You're really that adamant on proving to Cuddy you don't love her anymore?" came the unbelieving reply. "I don't think this is a good idea House."

"It's mere colleague to colleague chitchat, you worry way too much." House remarked before hanging up the phone and turning his full attention onto the meal. He worked quickly, dumping in the pasta in the boiling water and then turning his attention to the other parts of the evening.

He limped around his apartment, lighting candles and adjusting the lighting in the dining room to a low gleam. Then he moved back to the kitchen to attend to the pasta again. He strained it and added little bits of basil and garlic with the red tomato sauce, then went to his fridge to get some lettuce and romaine for a salad.

His mind was working as he tore and chopped at the vegetables, thinking about how he would go about presenting the deal to Thirteen, he was sure his circumstances were not unreasonable, in fact, he considered them to be quite worthwhile. The real problem was proposing it. He frowned as he put everything into their respective serving bowls and then moved them to the table.

She knocked once on the door with great hesitation, unsure of whether or not to run. Before she could turn and walk away back down the stairs, the door opened to reveal her boss standing there, leaning on his cane with an uninterested look on his face.

"Ah, I thought you were the hooker, but come in." he said, turning and walking into his house with her in tow.

"I know why I'm here." She said. He shot her a look over his shoulder and kept walking until they reached the dining room. He offered her a seat and took his own.

"Enlighten me." He said, taking a sip of the beer he had opened before she had come.

"You're trying to prove to Cuddy and Wilson that you don't love her anymore." She replied flatly. House looked up at her and frowned.

"You got it," he said.

"Wait, really?" she said, cocking her head.

"Yep, now, would you like to eat then talk or talk then eat?" he said.

"Um… how about both?" Thirteen asked.

"Good answer." House replied, scooping up some pasta for himself. "Now, I have a proposition for you."

She looked at him, spooning some pasta for herself onto her plate and taking a bite of it. "What?"

"Pretend to be my girlfriend for a month." Thirteen choked on her pasta, eyes bulging.

"What?" she said, taking sips of water to steady herself. "What are you talking about?"

"For a month Thirteen, it's not like I'm asking you to marry me." He huffed, taking another bite of his food. "Only to prove to Wilson and Cuddy, scout's honor."

"But it won't prove anything to Wilson and Cuddy; you'll just be fake dating me." She said, raising an eyebrow as she dabbed at her mouth with a napkin. "What does that show anyone?"

"I took acting lessons one summer when I was ten." House retorted. "I could make this semi-real, we'll just have to argue a lot and occasionally I have to let you off the hook with no clinic hours. I'm not that affectionate so I'm positive you don't have to worry about me groping your substandard rack in public."

Thirteen glared at him. "No, besides, Wilson already knows what you're trying to do, it's not going to work."

"Not right away, they won't believe it, but I have no doubt by the end of one month we'll have it down to a fine science and they'll have no choice but to believe us." House concluded. "I can give you a twenty five cent raise, I could dock your clinic time… I could give you a few extra days off. What do you want here?" he asked anxiously.

Thirteen paused, looked at him. "You really want to try and fool them don't you?" she asked.

"What gave you the idea?" he replied sarcastically. "Is that a deal?"

Thirteen brought a hand to her head and rolled her eyes. "Fine! But I better get _no_ clinic hours for this." She reached across the table and shook his hands.

"Fantastic, now get out of my apartment." He said.

"Wait, what?" she said, mouth full of salad.

"Do you want a doggy bag?" he snapped. "I said get out of my apartment, out, now."

"Is that any way to treat your girlfriend?" she asked, swallowing her food and popping a cherry tomato in her mouth with a smile. House's mouth twitched in a display of irritation and he stood up.

"No, you're right; I would show my girlfriend to the door, using extreme force." He said, prodding her in the shoulder with his cane.

"Ow!" she protested.

"Exactly, get out." He said. Thirteen stood and quickly found herself outside of House's apartment in the dimly lit hallway.


	2. Eyes On The Prize

Thirteen felt dread creep into her stomach as she parked her car and entered the hospital, knowing by now that House would probably have told everyone.

The staff carried on, no one looking twice at her; she eased up a bit, getting into the elevator. Maybe her boss had neglected to even show up, which would buy her an extra day of not being ostracized for dating the world's biggest asshole.

The elevator opened and her eyes widened to see House standing right in front of her, talking heatedly to Cuddy. Of course he couldn't forget to show up this _one_ day. Of course.

His eyes flickered up and then a wicked smile formed on his face as he turned to face her. "Ah, darling, so nice of you to show up. I was waiting for you." He said silkily and before Thirteen could raise a hand to stop him, he had grabbed her around the waist and dragged her to his side, smiling cruelly at his boss. "Oh, sorry Cuddy, I just managed to pick up another girl. Aren't you proud of me? This one's not a hooker." He said.

Cuddy raised an eyebrow, but didn't seem perturbed otherwise. "I still say no to admitting a man that has absolutely nothing wrong with him."

House pushed Thirteen away from him, her purpose served. "There _is_ something wrong with him! There is no way that he could've been knocked out with a punch like that!"

"Can you prove that? Isn't there a possibility that you just lost the bet and are too stuck up to admit it?" Cuddy snapped, turning to walk away. House opened his mouth to reply but then his head turned towards Thirteen, and she started to back away, fearful of what was whirring around in his mind.

Too late, he had already grabbed her lab coat and pulled her towards him. "Well never mind Cuddy, how are you today?" his voice was sickly sweet but his face read nothing but reserved interest, and not in her, but in how the results of his actions would play out.

Thirteen saw Cuddy turn back around and watch the two of them, well hidden shock in her eyes, but Thirteen still saw it flicker. She felt pity for House's ex-girlfriend and began untangling herself from her boss.

House immediately saw that she was trying to save Cuddy from humiliation and he couldn't have that, not with such a weapon in his very hands at the moment. Before she could wiggle out of his grip he reached down and snagged her lips with his.

Thirteen's body shuddered now, seeing Cuddy's injured face as she turned and walked away. The minute she was gone, House unlatched his face from hers and let her go, scooting her a good distance from him, straightening his jacket.

"You can't just-!" She sputtered, horrified.

"I can, and I did." He replied darkly. "Go do your job Thirteen." He stated, limping away without any further words for her. She inhaled a shaky breath and turned to see a shocked audience, still frozen in place.

The whole diagnostics department was watching disbelief plain in her features. She couldn't even deny it; one, because she had agreed to a deal with her boss and had to make them think she truly held feelings for this man (or at least pull off a half asked attempt), and two because they had just witnessed House's lips mash into hers in an effort to hurt Cuddy, which he had succeeded in.

She felt like the ostracization would begin too soon in the morning for her taste.

"You, and House?" Chase asked like it was a giant joke that no one was letting him on. "You're kidding?"

It took all of Thirteen's self control not to admit the whole plan right then and there to save face with her colleagues but she held her head high and haughty like she did when she was pissed off. "Excuse me?" she said, her voice low and deadly. "Since when is it your decision to tell me who I can and cannot date?" she snarled, gathering herself up and brushing into the diagnostics room.

On her way past she sent a beseeching look at Taub, who understood that he wasn't supposed to spill what she had told him. The grim compliant look she got in response told her that her secret was safe for today.

Foreman looked utterly bewildered and turned to Taub, who was watching Thirteen enter the room. "What the hell?" he said.

"I haven't the slightest clue." Taub replied in a voice that was easily mistaken for weary disappointment. The group went silent again as House entered the diagnostics room after the female doctor.

Thirteen raised her eyes to him. "Look like we're being affectionate." His tone was sharp and demanding but his face looked as if he wouldn't be anywhere else but here. Thirteen felt her own face morph into a mirroring expression as she scowled inwardly.

"You can't just kiss me without warning." Her voice was cold.

"Of course I can," he scoffed. "Boyfriends don't ask their girlfriends permission to kiss them. I have to make it believable, why do you think I'm making us make these ridiculous faces at each other? So anyone passing through will think we're being nice to each other.

"It won't work House." She sighed, face aching from the smile. "You weren't this affectionate with Cuddy, why would you be so kind to a rebound?"

Uncertainty flickered in her boss's eyes but quickly burnt out as he limped his way around behind her, draping his arms over her shoulders and leaning his chin on her head. "That's the point. Why would I be so affectionate to you and not Cuddy? Maybe because I never loved her to begin with?" he murmured into her hair, which was surprisingly sweet smelling.

Thirteen felt like a trapped animal and knew that everyone in the whole department was crowded around outside, watching the exchange with surprise. Her face reddened and those looking on interpreted it as a flush of pleasure, how far from the truth they were.

"You're such a five year-old," she said softly. "I give it three days before this whole act falls apart. You cannot keep it up for a whole month."

He chuckled, she hid her face in her hair so her face could take a rest from all the phony smiling. "I'm more concerned you can't keep it up, Fourteen. I have to be overly nice due to the fact that I am a man who is attracted to physical attributes that you don't seem to posses. People would wonder, but would quickly see it's your shining personality that has won me over. Smile for Wilson, his face is practically pressed up against the glass."

Thirteen turned her head and saw it was indeed true, Wilson was watching the pair with fury and shock on his face. She tried to stand and get away from House but his hands tightened around her as he looked, smug, at Wilson, planting a kiss on Thirteen's head, his stubble making goosebumps form on her neck.

"Let me go." She snarled at him the best she could, eyes glued to Wilson.

"Sure thing." He said, sounding relieved as he jumped away from her and opened the door to the diagnostics room, leaning on the doorway. "Where is the team I hire to make fun of?" he called into the crowded lobby.

Taub, Chase, and Foreman stepped forward uneasily. He motioned for them to come inside before casting a disdainful look at everyone else. "Don't you have jobs to do?" he snapped, closing the door and turning to them.

"We have a case." He announced, waving his cane around in the air whimsically.

"Symptoms?" Taub prompted. House looked at him and seemed taken aback.

"Oh I don't know, I just selected something from random, you know…. I just kinda closed my eyes and pointed. Go get it." He said, motioning towards the door.

Taub seemed short on patience and huffed as he got up and left. Foreman watched Thirteen, who was working hard at keeping her face a mask, revealing nothing.

"Foreman," House called. "Stop watching Thir- my girlfriend." He stated, she did not miss the look on his face as he uttered the last word, as if it left a bad taste in his mouth.

"She's not your girlfriend." Foreman said testily.

"She's not? Well this news to me, c'mere _darling_." He said, his eyes narrowing in a challenge to her, patting his leg as if she were a dog. Foreman somehow knew she wouldn't want to go and was looking at her, imploring her to stay there.

Thirteen stood gingerly, hoping the floor would swallow her, as she walked with stiff legs and went to stand beside her boss. House looked too thrilled that she obeyed and looked at Foreman. "See?" he said. Foreman still looked unconvinced and House moved quickly, pulling Thirteen into his lap and planting a kiss on her mouth.

She stiffened against him and closed her eyes, seeing Chase's eyes just about bulge out of his head at the sight of House cradling Thirteen against him.

"Just because I don't believe you doesn't mean you have to exploit her to try and prove something." Foreman said, disgustedly getting up and leaving. Chase followed, unsure that he wanted to stay with the pair. House watched them head for the elevator and then pushed Thirteen off of him, frowning.

"Never do that again." She hissed. He raised an eyebrow but he could open his mouth, Wilson burst into the room.

"House!" Wilson said.

"Doctor-,"

"It's okay Thirteen." Wilson raised a hand to stop her. "I know it's an act, there's no way in hell you would…" He kept talking but Thirteen realized that House was waiting for her to speak up and help hold up her end of the deal. No clinic hours was a true prize and she focused on that as she opened her mouth, trying to force voice into sounding genuinely angry.

"Excuse me?" She said, pleased with her tone. "I can go out with whoever the hell I want and I think that everyone needs to just keep out of our business. Honestly," she turned to House for support who seemed highly amused at her phony outburst. "Why can't they just accept it?" and to further cement her fake upset, she stormed out of the room, noticing Wilson's wavering conclusion that the relationship was a farce.

"You see what you did?" House sighed, fiddling with his cane. "Thanks to you, _I'm_ not getting laid tonight." He smirked inwardly as a confused Wilson turned and left, not bothering to say anything more.

Thirteen waited twenty minutes before returning to the diagnostics room, finding House still there, alone. He didn't look up as she entered. "Good job." He said.

And she realized then, that her actions would spread quickly all over the hospital, and from this moment on she would be known as "Dr. Hadley, House's girlfriend."


End file.
